CHAPTER 5. 29.Dec.2022

Hold My Hand: A Journey Back to Life

If you missed the previous chapters of Hold My Hand: A Journey Back to Life then you click on these links to quickly jump to the Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, and Chapter 4 and catch up on any chapters that you haven’t read before continuing. Thanks for reading!

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“Jacqui.”

“Jacqui.”

“JACQUI.”

Someone was calling my name. I kept drifting away. Back into my own personal twilight zone. Sinking into the comfort of nothingness.

“JACQUI.”

“Can you hear me?”

Hmmmm… It was him again. Couldn’t he just leave me in peace?

“I need to tell you something.”

I didn’t care. I drifted off again.

“JACQUI.”

“Can you open your eyes?”

It was Kim’s voice.

No. I was so tired. So sleepy.

“Jacqui!”

I tried to focus.

He touched my arm.

I could feel the urgency in his voice.

I tried to open my eyes. It was like an Olympic weightlifting contest that I hadn’t trained to be in. My eyelids felt like they were weighed down with a ton of lead. Each.

“Do you know where you are?”

Can’t I just sleep? Please? But the words were only in my mind.

I tried to speak, but the effort felt like climbing Everest with no oxygen. I couldn’t seem to find enough breath to be able to form words or find the energy to actually push them out.

My brain felt like it had turned to muddy sludge. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t comprehend. I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t compute. I couldn’t even start to think about where I was or why I was there? I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t even feel confused. I just didn’t care.

But it was Kim. I knew I had to try and answer.

I pulled together every ounce of energy I could find. Eyes still closed.

“No.” I barely managed to whisper … it was the most I could do and felt like it took everything to even push that one word out.

I felt like I was on a spaceship – totally disconnected from the world I knew. Disorientated. Not the faintest idea where I was. What day it was. What time it was. Or even if I was truly still alive. Perhaps this was all some kind of crazy dream. I let my body sink back into the bed again. It was all too much to even think about.

“You’re in the hospital.” said Kim.

In the hospital? Why … I had no idea. I didn’t remember anything. I couldn’t even care. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even be bothered to ask why. I just wanted to fall back into oblivion. Couldn’t he just leave me alone?

“Can you open your eyes?”

I tried again.

Tried so hard.

It was all so much effort.

Like lifting an elephant with your eyelids.

I managed to open them just a couple of millimeters.

I squinted.

The world was so freakin’ bright!

It was all too much.

I closed them again.

“Open your eyes Jacqui.”

He came again. He wouldn’t bloody stop. I knew him too well.

Once more I made the herculean effort to open them just a fraction.

I tried to look at Kim.

But his face was just hazy black. I couldn’t see any features on his fair skin. It was all just blurry darkness. His head was surrounded by a shining white halo of light.

Was I in hell? I must be in hell. Why couldn’t I see?

Maybe it was a nightmare? And I’d wake up in a minute?

I closed my eyes again. Too freaked out. Too much effort.

I was lying on my front. Kim and Mum sitting the other side of a small wall that was at the top of my bed.

It wasn’t just a case of opening my eyelids. I had to find the energy to raise my head to look at him.

I sunk back into the bed.

“Hold my hand.” He asked.

I tried.

Failed.

Whatever my brain told my hands to do they just ignored the messages.

My hands were limp, floppy appendages on the ends of my arms. I could move my arms a little, but my hands did nothing.

“Please just hold my hand.” He whispered. I could hear the sadness and desperation in his voice.

I couldn’t.

I so wanted to hold his hand.

But I couldn’t.

He held my limp hand anyway. His hand was hot on mine.

“I need to tell you.”

What? I just wanted to sleep. Sink back into that soft oblivion.

“They’re going to operate on your leg again tomorrow.”

My leg? Tomorrow?

I couldn’t even feel my legs. Why would they operate on my leg?

I couldn’t find the energy to think. I couldn’t be bothered to care. To question what was happening.

All I could do was whisper was “OK”.

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29 DEC 2022 @ 19.22

So my wife is finally off the ventilator after 5 days, but she’s very tired … she won’t open her eyes right now, but reacts when we speak to her … and just wants to sleep. Tomorrow will be another ‘lovely’ day on the operating table where they have to look again at the open wounds where they found the bacteria and change the drain/wound coverings and make a plan on how to move forwards. To try and be a little positive I can say that she’s come out on the other side and is still alive, but there is still some way to go before reaching the target. Thank you for all your kind words and good wishes, they mean so much when you are about to fall apart. Kim

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Authors Note. I’ve done my best to recount this interaction with Kim. However, its accuracy is questionable as I know that some elements are figments of my imagination – perhaps created by the fentanyl they had been giving me for days or from something called ‘intensive care delirium’ which affects a significant proportion of ICU patients and that can result in some pretty wild hallucinations and changes to your perception. If nothing else, there’s definitely truth in the fact that Kim and Mum were indeed with me that evening and Kim’s words are essentially correct as he has confirmed.

However, other elements are unquestionably fiction. In my memory I am absolutely convinced that I was lying flat on my front with my hands either side of my head. To open my eyes, I felt I had to raise my head – I think of it as being like a baby lying on its front on the floor and lifting its head with that wobble as their neck muscles aren’t fully developed. I most definitely wasn’t lying on my front. I was lying on my back – in the position you’d expect of someone who was just coming out of a coma.

I was also sure that Kim and Mum were sitting on chairs on the other side of a small wall above the head of my bed. One of those half walls you sometimes see in houses between a kitchen and another room. Yet they weren’t. They were sat either side of my bed in just the way you’d expect of hospital visitors. Kim on my right and Mum on my left. Yet in my memory not only were they the other side of the wall, but their positions were reversed.

I don’t know how to explain the weird issues with my vision. I’ve tried to find any references to others with a similar experience but haven’t been able to find anything. When I did open my eyes, nobody asked me if I could see OK – they just assumed. But this vivid image of Kim’s black face and weird halo of light around his head is absolutely etched in my memory.

It’s as if all the colors were reversed – like you’d see in a black and white film negative. I read recently that newborn babies are nearsighted (they can’t see more than few inches from their faces) and can’t process color. So, I wonder if this weird phenomenon was some strange rebooting of my vision. There again maybe it was the drugs. Or the effect of the infection on my brain. I’ll never know.

But I do know that I’ll never forget those horrible, nightmarish images that are stuck forever in my head.

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If this post made you feel something then I’d love it if you would click on the heart and add a comment about what resonated for you – it means a lot to me to hear from each of you.

If you would also be kind enough to share it that will help more people find Hold My Hand and learn more about these awful infections. Maybe one day that knowledge will save a life.

Thank you!

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If you missed any previous chapters from the book then you can find them easily on my website – click HERE and it will take you directly to the webpage dedicated to the book where you can read any previous chapters that you might have missed.

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Every THURSDAY I’ll continue to share my ‘book in parts’ - Hold My Hand: A Journey Back to Life - chapter by chapter. I’m so excited to finally share it with all of you.

Next week I’ll be posting Chapter 6. 30.Dec.2022 - the day that my heart stopped…