Was it all a dream?

Necrotizing Fasciitis Snapshots in Time

I lived 20, 364 days before…

It’s 815 days since I was whisked, without any warning, into the nightmare that is necrotizing fasciitis aka flesh-eating bacteria.

It’s 814 days since I was diagnosed with sepsis and in quick succession septic shock.

It’s 813 days since my first emergency operation where they confirmed what was wrong with me.

It’s 808 days since my heart stopped (spoiler alert: they got it started again).

It’s 773 days since my first therapy session.

It’s 717 days since the wounds from my initial five surgeries finally closed.

It’s 595 days since I left my ‘safe’ corporate job that was no longer for me.

It’s 391 days since my last overnight stay in hospital.

It’s 339 days since I started therapy for a second time when it felt like my head imploded.

It’s 265 days since my last surgery to deal with the consequences of the emergency ones.

It’s 208 days since my last (for now) therapy session.

It’s 0 days since my last flashback.

How many days will I live after?

I know. Eight hundred days seems like a long time. During that time some of it has felt as if each minute has lasted a year. Other times months have disappeared in what felt like the blink of an eye.

Certain memories, even from day 1, are still vivid. Others could be fact but could be fiction. I can’t discriminate. There are definitely a few wild hallucinations too. Some memories are lost in the fog of just trying to survive.

But many, particularly in the first few weeks, have a dream-like quality that makes them seem unreal. Even those that I know are entirely true. It feels like the whole thing was a dream or perhaps more appropriately described as one gigantic nightmare – until I look down and my scars remind me that it most certainly wasn’t.

Image caption: another of my own snapshots – this time just after dawn near Wheathampstead in the UK. To me the picture embodies many of the dream-like qualities of my memories.

The flashback memories that come back to me rotate. One particular memory can keep popping up – like a snapshot in time - and stick in my heads for days or even longer. It’s different things at different times. Maybe there’s a certain trigger. Or perhaps some kind of connection. Something that makes a certain memory relevant at a specific time. But frequently there’s no obvious logic as to why it’s that memory that’s stuck on repeat in my head.

Right now, if I close my eyes I’m transported to the hospital just after midnight between December 23^rd and 24^th 2022. We’d just arrived and been ushered straight through. There’s nobody around. Just a flash, now and again, of someone in a white coat going from room to room.

I’m sat on a hard plastic chair waiting in the Emergency Room corridor. Kim is beside me. I can feel anxiety radiating from his body. I’m feeling nauseous. Stomach rolling even though there’s nothing in it. Starting to get disorientated… I’m waiting. For what I don’t (yet) know.

Though the memory is distinct it’s a little fuzzy round the edges. I’m teetering on the precipice of sepsis and my memories from there on start to fall apart into a chaotic, dizzying whirlpool, no longer defined by time, sequence, or logic.

I don’t know why that memory keeps coming back to me right now. By tomorrow, next week, or perhaps next month it will be something different. Another snapshot.

After all the therapy there’s not much emotion associated with these memories for me. It’s more like watching a film you’ve seen many times before.

I’ve shared in a previous post that I love listening to a good memoir. I’m also fascinated by books about peoples’ experiences as they get to the end of their life. And of course, I can’t help but be interested in near-death experiences – people who have been to the brink and made it back.

It’s not morbid in my world. I came so close to dying. And we all know that one day it’s inevitable that it will happen to each of us. I guess I want to know what it will be like when that day comes. I’m not scared. Just curious.

I recently listened to ‘After’ by Dr Bruce Greyson - a physician without a religious belief system, who has researched near-death experiences (NDEs) from a scientific perspective for over four decades. I’m a scientist at heart and by training. I don’t believe in a god of any kind. Yet I do have a spiritual side. So, this book really resonated for me.

It’s fascinating what he’s learned. Research has found that the vast majority of people who have experienced NDEs perceive those memories to be of real events. Yes, REAL. In my mind these memories must have been much more real than my dream-like snapshots in time.

I don’t try and push these memories away. I know that they don’t define me. But they are a part of me and contribute to making me who I am today. They’re also a frequent reminder of how lucky I am to be alive.

Though sometimes I do wonder – is this all just another dream?

If you enjoyed this post please do click on the heart, add a comment, and/or share it on as that will help more people find Hold My Hand and my writing.

COMING ON 1^st MAY – my ‘book in parts’. In weekly posts I’ll be sharing my book Hold My Hand: A Journey Back to Life chapter by chapter. I’m so excited to finally share my story with a wider audience and to have the opportunity to get your thoughts and feedback.